With everything going on in the Philippines lately, I have been having a hard time carving out space for myself. Every morning I wake up, something terrible happens. I get moments where I think, “Could this get any worse?”. To no surprise, it does.
Let me preface this by saying, to love yourself is already a challenge. I am using the term loosely in the title, but I really want to focus on empathy and compassion. By that I mean, being gentle with yourself. So where do we begin?
To be gentle with yourself is a deep understanding that there are many things you are dealing with right now. To contextualize this, I often refer to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It states that we are motivated by 5 categories of things—Physiological, Safety, Love and Belonging, Esteem, and Self-actualization.
What I love about this is that it goes beyond the “basic needs” drilled to me as a kid. I was taught to be grateful; we have everything we need in life. We have a house, clothes, food, and water. But the danger of this thinking is that it downplays a lot of non-physical needs. Back then, this thinking invalidated a lot of my emotions. “I shouldn’t be feeling negative things,” I would think, “I have everything covered.”
However, going by Maslow’s hierarchy, we see that there are two categories [Safety Needs, Love and Belonging] actively challenged right now. For some of us, even more. Maybe your family has an unstable income because of the pandemic. Maybe you’re scared of contracting the virus when you go to buy groceries. Maybe your friends are not as active in social media because everyone is under self-preservation.
It may be hard to believe it, but we are all coping. We cannot force ourselves into thinking all systems should be 100% when our systems are struggling to make sense of the world right now.
1. Listening to Yourself
When we can exercise understanding towards ourselves, we are able to see how invisible and subtle these changes are affecting us. For me, I noticed these:
I listen to a lot of acoustic music covers because it reminds me of times back in high school hanging out with my friends (whom I miss so much) wherein they would jam to pass the time.
I have been craving ice cream more than usual, and after cutting dairy for 2 months, this was a big thing. I was eating a lot of my “sad days” comfort food, too.
I wasn’t in the mood to consume much new content. Instead, I’ve been rewatching my favorite animes (Ace of Diamond, HunterXHunter, and Haikyuu). I realized it wasn’t in my capacity to enjoy so many new things—changing things.
These are just what it was for me, just to let you know how subtle my coping mechanisms were. There is definitely a fine line where you could be nitpicking yourself too much, but I think just being conscious and asking yourself, “Hey, are we okay today?” is a big step.
This is the hardest, in my opinion. It took me over 2 years to learn what my body is really telling me, yet my empathy towards myself is still not absolute. I had to overwrite how desensitized I was to my back pains and migraines. In hindsight, it was not surprising that it would take a while to move past these things. My pain is my body communicating to me that something is wrong. Even today, I still catch myself needing the reminder.
My pain is my body communicating to me that something is wrong.
2. Affirmations
Since listening to yourself can take some time and practice, I have also been finding comfort in affirmations. There is a podcast called Sit There and Do Nothing, which I highly recommend if you’re not used to meditating. It’s quirky and funny, but weirdly soothing.
I recently discovered KickThePJ’s comforting things to hear when you’re feeling uneasy, and it changed me. His list is just so specific, and it reminds me of the little things that make life okay. Also, he’s British, so his accent is enough to soothe me, to be honest.
And if you haven’t been introduced to The Artidote yet, please allow yourself to indulge. A portmanteau of art and anecdote, it has been one of my favorite corners of the internet ever since I found it. The curator, Jova, captions the art with quotes describing ineffable feelings. If the tight hug of a person who hasn’t come home in years can be uploaded on the internet, it would manifest itself in The Artidote.
Also, here are some more affirmations statements, for when you need to hear them.
Where you are is VALID, wherever it may be. Some people cope by watching Netflix all day, some people make music, some people impulsively—accidentally—plant a little too many tomato plants than necessary for the summer. You own your emotions and you own your progress.
No one is thinking about the embarrassing thing keeping you up at night. Everyone is busy thinking about their own embarrassing thing keeping them up at night.
You are the only one who can know yourself better than anyone else.
You are allowed to be okay. For the whole of June, it didn’t feel like I was allowed to. Being okay meant taking some time off social media, and how dare I turn a blind eye? But you are allowed to be okay. Take a breath. Take an hour. Take a day for yourself.
3. Toxic Positivity
Now that we’ve reminded ourselves that we are allowed to take a day, we should add up the ante a little bit by getting past the toxic positivity valley. For us to fully establish our affirmations, we need to get rid of our “This is nothing” or “I shouldn’t be feeling this way” statements.
If it feels like everything right now, or if it feels like it won’t be okay anytime soon. That’s perfectly okay. That is your truth right now. Once again,
You are the only one who can know yourself better than anyone else.
The world is shitting on itself. Of course, you are going to feel some of the shit, and that’s okay.
Give the emotion the space it needs to manifest itself. Let it out of your headspace and into the real world. Accept that there is an influx of negativity, and it’s okay. We just have to find a way to make it flow out. Otherwise, we risk being consumed by it and affecting how we live and interact with others.
In that regard, these are the things I have been doing that frees up my headspace:
1. Journaling
This is probably the most straightforward version of unloading emotion. The fact that I would inevitably take time in this practice allows me to dwell on something as much as needed. Wording it out helps me make sense of the emotion, and putting it on paper makes it tangible. When the emotion is in that written state, I feel like I have given it the attention it was asking for.
If you’re not used to writing yet, maybe try recording yourself. When the influx is even more than what my writing speed can manage, I record myself talking about the emotion. That way, the outflow matches the inflow; I don’t forget my thoughts. Although, if you can, I would still recommend writing.
2. Baths
This practice gives me space. It’s my uninterrupted time wherein I remove all digital and literal noise. I like to light up a candle, drink tea, and do the steps in my skincare I usually don’t have time for.
3. Animal Crossing
I’m really into ACNH right now. For some reason, it gives me the same dopamine release as ticking things off my to-do lists (which is the most addicting type of satisfaction, in my opinion).
The game follows a real-life timeline, so I find myself having something to look forward to every day (Example: The museum will be done by tomorrow, and I can finally see it!). And honestly, having something to look forward to is something we all need right now.
4. Plants
They are my summer consolation. The chilly spring mornings are non-existent now, so when I’m feeling icky I think “at least my plants can thrive.” Not being in a tropical country means days are longer, and the sunsets are at 9:30PM where I am. It’s annoying for my night routine, but my tomatoes are growing faster and it makes me happy to see them whenever they flower.
5. Walks
If you can, I would highly suggest you do so. I get my daily dose of sunlight, I listen to a podcast (Really enjoyed this episode of Getting Curious, highly recommend!). What’s not to love?
These are unprecedented times. Each of us is going through a different set of circumstances. I may not have the capacity to understand where you are right now, but I still want to share my experience nonetheless.
Because if I can help alleviate some of the stress for even just one person, that makes writing this worth everything. Whenever you need a little love and understanding, know that it can come from you as well.